Disaster strikes The Double Footer

TDF NEWS ROOM - The Double Footer has experienced a major incident this week, as the laptop containing drafts of future articles decided to pack up.

The device wasn't left on a train or any other equally silly place, but the graphics card within the laptop overheated, requiring major surgery involving replacing a component called the 'motherboard'. Initially it was thought that 'motherboard' was a term invented by the engineers who examined the laptop in order to sound big and important to the function of the machine so as to extort money from The Double Footer. After 3 minutes of googling, The Double Footer confirmed that a motherboard is not a fictitious device, but is a component that is vitally important to the function of any computer, and is very expensive to replace.

Luckily, the motherboard was within the manufacturer's warranty and will be sent away to be fixed.

Like any irresponsible journalist and typical student, The Double Footer did not maintain backup copies of the draft material, and therefore cannot update the site with it's week old breaking news until the laptop has been repaired. Plans have been put into place to probably start backing up data every now and then.

Villa Chairman Spotted

BIRMINGHAM – There have been numerous reports this week that Aston Villa’s elusive chairman Randy Lerner has been spotted outside. Several Villa fan clubs received unconfirmed reports of sightings of Mr Lerner in and around Aston and surrounding Birmingham areas.

A young couple were stuck in traffic on Spaghetti Junction while Lerner’s car apparently appeared and disappeared in a flash. On the same day one elderly man, an Aston Villa season ticket holder for over 50 years, claimed Lerner had visited him in his sleep and promised a maintained spell of steady, consistent growth while at the same time focusing the team around harbouring young English talent.

The response to the apparition’s promise has been favourable among the Villa faithful, who are happy he is unlike some other foreign chairmen of Premier League clubs and are pleased with the patience shown by Lerner.

Steve, a mechanic in a garage not far from Villa Park, said “I’m just glad he’s taking care of our club. Too many of these foreigners these days, like them Arabs or those other Yanks, are coming over, buying up our clubs and then expect an immediate return!”.

Spiritualist medium and convincing liar Derek Acorah has since tried to get in touch with the mysterious spirit. Acorah is best known for his appearances on Most Haunted and the séance where he supposedly contacted Michael Jackson from beyond the grave who told him to “say hello to Quincy for me”. Acorah claims that he was able to contact Lerner via the spirit world. “Randy said to me, he said ‘tell the local fans: I am impressed by the selection of fast food outlets in Birmingham’”.

No Villa fans who were asked were prepared to believe Acorah.

Genie Predicts Bad Spell For City

ABU DHABI – A Genie that appeared in the outskirts of Abu Dhabi after an impoverished young boy rubbed his lamp has voiced bad news for Manchester City. After revealing that he can see into the future as well as grant wishes to whoever summoned him, the Genie outraged City fans by forecasting a dismal next few years, including away defeats to Moldovan outfit Sheriff Tiraspol and mediocre Ukrainians Vorskla Poltava in the Europa League.

The news comes just weeks after the appointment of Roberto Mancini, and will not go down well with the club owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan.

Before disappearing back into the lamp, the Double Footer managed to get a few words with the Genie. “When you put the roof on before the foundations, your house will fall down. This is what Manchester City will take several years of underachievement to realise” the Genie said. Before vanishing, the Genie also divulged the startling forecast that the ‘big hair’ hair styles of the 1980s would soon come back into fashion amongst England’s youth.

Mike, a City fan from Rochdale was upset by the Genie’s revelations. “I just can’t see it myself. With the money we’ve now got from these Arabs, I can only see silverware personally. If some supernatural power that knows nowt about our game thinks otherwise, well that’s just ridiculous”.

Shirley, a member of a Manchester City fansite said: “Rubbish! It was a bad idea then and is a bad idea now! Big hair will never happen again!”.

FA’s Respect Campaign Hits New High

LONDON - The FA’s Respect campaign hit a new high this weekend when Wayne Rooney told referee Steve Bennett to “f*ck off”. Normally such tirades from the Manchester United and England striker continue with a secondary round of tongue-lashing which, according to most officials, hardly strays far from “you cheating c*nt”, “you blind c*nt” or “you cheating blind c*nt”. Bennett admitted after the game he was expecting the “usual blind or cheating accusations”.

A representative from the FA said that they “hope this marks a turning point in football from the top tier right down to grass roots level”.

Parents at an under-10’s tournament in Accrington said they were optimistic the more respectful attitude towards officials would catch on with their youngsters. Debby, whose son Dane is a promising striker and idolises Rooney said “it has been a bit awkward when the boys tell the ref to go eff himself, I mean, the ref is only 15 himself, and it doesn’t seem fair”. Spike, a father of two identical twin full-backs, wasn’t as concerned about the Respect campaign and reflects a view held by many fans up and down the country. “If the lad is wrong, I’ll tell ‘im. Right to his face. If he makes a decision and my boys don’t win, he should be told. I don’t care if he’s 14.”

The FA aim to partially eradicate foul language with the Respect campaign, in a bid to stop Wayne Rooney pulling faces that make him look uglier than usual.

LHC Reveals Parallel Universe, Allardyce is DCI Gene Hunt

GENEVA (Year 2015) – After lengthy periods of repairs and calibration experiments, the LHC was fired up properly for the first time next month and the results of the ensuing experiments will astonish physicists, Christians, and football fans alike.

As well as providing scientists with never-before seen glimpses into the origins of the universe, a black hole resulting from the ultra high speed collisions provided a wormhole to a parallel universe.

Before the wormhole closed, scientists were able to observe the parallel world and the revelations are startling. Only a few details were recorded in time, but it appeared that the world is still in the late 1970s. Religion was long abandoned and although living 30 years behind our world, scientific knowledge has advanced well beyond ours.

One of the few observations that will interest football fans was made by scientist Tobias Lauten who has family ties to Bolton. Lauten’s first thought when entering the parallel universe was to see if his side, Bolton Wanderers were doing any better than in our world. Lauten was shocked to find that not only were Wanderers doing well in their first season in Division 1 after promotion from the second division, but they were without centre-half Sam Allardyce. Lauten managed to track down Allardyce to a Manchester police station where he works as a hard hitting no-nonsense Detective Chief Inspector, similar to our world’s DCI Gene Hunt, a character in Life on Mars and sequel Ashes to Ashes.

Lauten said he wasn’t surprised to see Allardyce in such a role. “I can imagine our Big Sam doing that sort of thing, or at least giving a few players a kicking at half time!” Lauten also came across Phil Brown, who in the parallel world owned and ran several spray-tanning salons in County Durham.

Mike Dean ‘Not Allowed’ To Appear On Celebrity Big Brother

LONDON – It has been revealed that referee Mike Dean made a holiday request to the Professional Game Match Officials Board to take leave for several months in order to appear in the upcoming series of Celebrity Big Brother.

It is no secret that Dean loves the limelight and it is thought he is extremely upset at being barred by the PGMOB from making an appearance on the show.

Last minute negotiations took place between top Celebrity BB producers and PGMOB general manager Keith Hackett to try and thrash out a deal that could have involved Dean making certain refereeing decisions in order to increase the food budget for fellow housemates. Another option was a secret task in which Dean would have to convince housemates he was good friends with Sir Alex Ferguson. However, negotiations fell through and Dean will not participate in the increasingly unpopular reality TV show.

A spokesman from PGMOB stated that it is “clearly against Mike Dean’s contract with the PGMOB to participate, mid season, in Celebrity Big Brother”. He went on to add that “a PGMOB official must seek permission if they are to use their status as a PGMOB official for promotional purposes. Mike Dean did seek permission, which has been denied.”

Blog Launch Imminent

The Double Footer will be launching in the next coming weeks, bringing you weekly stories from the finest football league in the world! No not La Liga, Rio Ferdinand.